Все включено: от очередей до кишечных инфекций All inclusive: from queues to intestinal infections

It would be an excellent "three", a so-so "four", but for five stars this, unfortunately, is the bottom. Not complete, there are pluses - but, alas, still the bottom. So, the chronicle of events.
You arrive at a five-star hotel for an ultra-all-inclusive experience. You have to wait until check-in, but for now the girl at the reception offers to go to the beach and have a bite to eat. Of course, you agree, and leaving your suitcases in the storage room, with a swimsuit at the ready, you set off towards the sea... along the way, discovering that there are no changing rooms on the beach. Well, they didn't. You are still full of enthusiasm, and therefore you shrug your shoulders and go to change into the toilet. The toilet doors don't lock. Hello, school years are wonderful and the need to ask a friend to hold the cubicle door!
Well, okay, it happens. In the end, you changed clothes and swam in the excellent clear sea with a pier and fish. True, there were no free sunbeds, but you did not pay attention to this. Now you're off to taste the delights of your ultra-ollinkus. All food and drinks in the hotel are included! Your parents went to a neighboring town like this a week ago and returned delighted. Looking forward to a good couple of hours, you go to a restaurant. . . So. Where exactly is the restaurant? Where is there any food, except for a run-down pastry shop with ten kinds of shortbread cookies? My parents had two restaurants, bars, something else in Side. . .

This is how you face the harsh reality of Palmet's service. There is only one eatery, it is also a buffet. It cannot be called a restaurant or at least a cafe, but we will return to this later. It opens strictly on time: those who arrived between breakfast and lunch will be patient, they will not go anywhere. There was also an a la carte restaurant. Now closed: covid-s. Through the transparent doors you can see how the hotel administration eats there. In the summer they gave ice cream, but now it’s impossible: covid-sir! You will catch a cold, get sick and die! You would even believe in the sincerity of this concern if your parents had not returned from Side a week ago, where ice cream, not knowing about any covid, was in the public domain. But there is a confectionery with two types of pies: "shortbread with sprinkles" and "cake with cream". And bars. Two pieces. You can go there and order. . . anything at random because there is no menu. In the lobby bar there is a seven-point list of cocktails printed on a piece of paper. You point to each of them in turn. The girl at the cash desk cheerfully answers: this is not, this is not, this is not there either, this one is. Will you have vodka?
You return to the reception, gloomily realizing: it will not work here to indulge in gastronomic excesses, just stupidly and artlessly drinking. But they put you in a room. Room on the first floor. You ordered a higher floor at the travel agency and therefore indicate this to the administration, to which you are assured that this floor is considered the second. You are looking at the elevator panel: from top to bottom - 5.4, 3.2, L, -1. Your room is located on floor L, you enter it from the street, climbing exactly two steps at the entrance to the hotel itself, and you think that you are considered an idiot. Looking out the window, you understand: a fact, they believe. What stretches before your eyes, the girl from the reception calls the view of the garden. Photo as an attachment. Enjoy the gardens of the Palmet Hotel!
Okay, the view from the window is the little things. And the sloping wall lamp and the door to the toilet, which is locked from the outside, and not from the inside, add some charm to the room rather than really spoil it. A rigidly fixed partition between the shower and the rest of the bathroom, just a piece of glass that cannot be moved anywhere, will pass for local specifics. In the end, you crawl through the resulting passage? Crawl through. And if someone doesn’t get through thicker, it’s his problem. Will wash in the sea. All in all, not a bad number. But next, behind this concrete "garden view" area, there is a pool and a dance floor. And you specifically stipulated that you need a quiet room, yes, quite quiet, you like to sleep at night, here you are the original, huh? In the evening you realize the full depth of how you hit. Russian rap about "ahh, I want you so much, but you don't give me how bad you are, but I'm so good, " which comes from the window with an indistinct noise during the day, now you can even hear it through earplugs. You come to the reception to change the room to a quieter one. “Oh, yes, it’s like that everywhere with us, ” a girl with a beautiful name Olesya dismisses. “And there are no numbers. What, you insist? Well, then come tomorrow. ”
In the evening, you walked around the hotel and empirically found out that a girl with a beautiful name Olesya blatantly lies. In that part of it, where the windows face the road, the discos are not audible. In the morning you ask to change your room "so that there is a view of the road, yes, it is on the road. " Change is not Olesya, and therefore you get the number. Oh miracle! It's really quiet here. It is quiet here all night, and the next night, and all the nights of your trip - except for Fridays, when the Turkish night is on, but once a week you can endure.

True, the shower is broken in this room. And air conditioning. And top light. The shower will be repaired for you on the same evening, you will be pleasantly surprised, but not for long. The light will be repaired for you for three days. You will come to the reception twice a day and ask to send a master, you will be promised immediately, right now, to send the best - and, of course, do nothing. You will not succeed until the evening of the third day: perhaps the administration realized that these damn Russians do not swell and will not forget.
To "swell" the hotel will offer you every opportunity. As much vodka as you want, Russian tourist, you love vodka, don't be shy, we know for sure that all Russians love vodka! And we also have beer. Would you like a beer, Russian? Not? Did your parents write you rave reviews about dozens of cocktails in their ultra-all-inclusive? How picky you are. Okay, would you like a cocktail with or without alcohol? What does "what" mean? You say "with alcohol" - I'll mix you some juice and vodka. You say "without" - you get the same thing, but on a sprite. Uh, what's a "piñ a colada"? And I didn't understand your "B-52" either.
Somewhere at this moment you will understand that the ultra-all-inclusive was taken in vain: it is pointless to go to Palmet under this program if the taste of alcohol is at least a little important for you, and not just its degrees. However, if the taste of food is important to you, alas, too. In two weeks, you will find out: in the only eatery that was not broken by the desire to save money poorly disguised by covid, there is no hot food in principle. That is, there is no organization. It is prepared, laid out on large trays and waited until dinner begins. New food instead of the disassembled by tourists is also prepared ahead of time and - yes! - spread on trays and wait until the first baking sheet is completely empty. For two weeks you will try two hot dishes: tea and coffee. Any stew, grilled potatoes, cheese tortillas, pasta and anything else will be cold. A little warm if you're lucky. By the way, it won’t work just to come up and take food: first you will need to stand in a queue as long as a couple of tourist buses. Yes, for every meal. Yes, in order to sit down and eat what you have taken, you will also have to wander around and wait: there are no places at the tables, you had to take it earlier. No, it's not the highest season, it's the end of September. Oh, it’s okay for you to be angry, eat already, tourists. Yes, straight from those chipped-edged bowls with detergent and dried sauce stains. Yes, just these unwashed fruits, gray with dust. Listen, what difference does it make to us if you get some kind of sluggish intestinal infection on the third day? This is a five star hotel, not a hospital. Unpack the first aid kit, you knew where you were going.
In fairness, for two weeks you will find the hotel and the benefits. This is the location (don't believe the individual guide who says you're in the center of Kemer - Kemer ends after ten minutes of leisurely walking): there is a pleasant promenade along the road, lots of greenery and few intrusive merchants. This is an excellent, warm and clean sea (you can go down into it from the pier; in the second week, the breaking waves will demolish the ladder, and individual workers will install it back, kindly painting over all the algae and shells and putting it into the water without drying; the paint will remain on the hands every time you venture down). These are sunbeds on the pier, comfortable and soft (if you get up at six in the morning, you can even take one; the rest of the time, alas, they are almost all busy). These are adorable hotel cats begging for food at breakfast (some people will say that this is unsanitary, and in some ways they will be right, but this is the cutest appearance of unsanitary conditions in a hotel, and believe me, you will have something to compare with). This, after all, is the pressure of water in the shower - its temperature changes depending on the time of day and the phase of the moon, but you can wash your hair after swimming, and this is important at sea.

There are positives to this hotel. But if on vacation you prefer the opportunity to relax and enjoy your vacation to queues, minor repairs, cold food, unsanitary conditions and the careless attitude of the administration, choose another hotel. Palmet will not offer you such luxury.