Your rating of this hotel:
8.0
from 10
Hotel ratings by criteria:
Rooms:
9.0
Service:
8.0
Cleanliness:
7.0
Food:
8.0
Amenities:
8.0
My dear and magnificent relatives, friends and acquaintances, as well as all honest people. I will tell you about a marvelous miracle, overseas in distant lands and unknown lands, which noble merchants call Turland.
It is not easy to get there, a commoner or a craftsman cannot get there forever, therefore, capital must be accumulated fairly. But since the woman was capricious, she began to hint from afar - they say I want flowers from overseas, scarlet, I had to tighten my belts and strain myself to work in the neighboring countrymen, and raise capital so that I could have a rest like everyone else.
And so, at the family council, the three of us decided to come to an agreement with native people, with overseas agencies, that they know the way to that land, to help us get to that kingdom, and so that it would not be so scary, and there was some kind of protection, they invited isho with three families of friends and colleagues to keep us company.
Like, we’ll have a royal rest, and maybe we’ll find some benefit in those lands, our wives call that benefit in their language - zhoping.
They took two suitcases of artefacts with them, and an American exchange fund, saddled the horses and set off on the road. Yes, I secretly stocked up with fire water from my wife, because in a foreign land I could not imagine myself without it.
How long is it short, but we got to their castle, which is called Justiniano Club Park Conti, 5 *. I did not notice the stars there, but we got chic mansions, even on the seventh floor and two-room ones. When settling in with their little people at the reception, they didn’t bully, they dispersed like a world, they respect us very much, we didn’t even have to sneak American bucks. Everything would have been fine, but the infernal machine, which they call a conder, did not want to work like a human during the day, because during the day it would bake the roof so much that there was nothing to breathe in the mansions, but at night they slept peacefully.
The next day, the servants of their god Pegasov gathered us for a meeting, and they began to describe to us how well they can entertain us - with various trips, and they won’t even take a ruble, only from our fund, they will accept American exchange money. And if one of the natives wants to offend us at once, they say they will call for their help and knock on the horns of the offenders. Their words are voluptuous, and when it came to the point with our friends, they didn’t have any benefit, they hid in holes, and there was only one answer to everything - write a complaint, and there ...things are still there! So hope for Pegasus, but don't make a mistake yourself. But I'm back to rest.
The kitchen in the castle is excellent, there are not enough pickles, but in everything else there was no shortage. Here you have both turkey and chicken, lamb sometimes appeared, all kinds of fish were in abundance, but apparently I was not the only one who was such a fan before the fish, so I constantly had to stand in lines to get it.
Vegetables from ours to overseas and you were full of fried and steamed and raw. Potatoes from mashed potatoes to boiled in their skins. So these overseas cooks mocked her so much - they stuffed all sorts of things into her that I didn’t even find the taste of potatoes. The women kept saying that the cuisine here was almost European, and that the Italian pasta was wrapped in such a way that there was a crackling behind the ears.
And in the bars they just don’t have anything to drink - there’s no kvass, there’s no good vodka, everything is overseas: - whisky, gin, their araka, it’s good for coughing, that vodka is weak, it can’t be compared to ours, wine is rubbish, sour, the beer is apparently non-alcoholic, no matter how much I drank, I never got tipsy. Yes, fanta, cola, and how his sprite for kids in bulk. You can live!
And for dessert, they have imported fruits - voluptuous peaches, various sorts of apricots, plums from a small cherry plum type to a huge fist-sized one.
Eat Lepisins at least like that, at least squeeze the juice from them, but the natives charge a lot of money for juice, as much as two whole bucks. Grapefruits, watermelons, lemons - just tasted from the belly. Well, an overseas delicacy - ice cream - of different colors and tastes, a feast for the eyes!
Yes isho in all the restaurants they had to visit. A la carte are called. Tokma to get into them is not given to everyone. First you need to sign up with the lady at the reception, the recording time is inconvenient from 4 to 6 in the afternoon, when it’s the day’s dream, but what can’t you do if the woman has eaten all your baldness. Yes, and those girls are not a miss, more than two restaurants do not give notes to one hand, more precisely to one room. So, are we not Russian? It’s a dumb little shop that was knocked down in childhood, but we have a minder that works! One family signed up for one restaurant, the second for another, the third for the third, etc. and they said that they would all come, so they did.
We visited fish, and Italian, Turkish and Chinese restaurants.
We liked it everywhere. Efficient boys run around, take orders, and where they are not very efficient, you wave an American denyuzhka and they will do everything for you in an instant. In some places live music plays, sometimes on the violin, sometimes on the guitar, singers perform, voices, of course, not Chaliapin's, but they will go with vodka or cognac.
Sea-Okiyan there is called the Mediterranean. The water is warm and turquoise. There was always enough room for reclining, which they call shchaslongs, and there are sunshades everywhere. True, they give beach towels on bail, when registering at the reception desk they take 10 bucks for each, but upon departure they gave everything back to the penny. On the beach, walkers and barkers of the natives constantly walk, tempt with overseas entertainment - a hammam, a banana, a catamaran, and how it is ...God forgive the parachute. Oh how wrapped up!
We went to the hammam, not the first one for us to bathe in their bathhouses. 35 rubles were given for each. But it's not a pity.
Tokma, here are the local healers, after the procedures they took us into a room and began to tell fortunes how many problems they found in our body, and the greyhounds convinced us that if we did not agree to their massages, then we might not get to the house. Like, my wife’s legs can’t stand it, and there’s so much salt accumulated under my shoulder blades and under my shoulder blades that you can pickle a barrel of herring, and the 5th and 6th vertebrae just hold on to your word of honor, they’re about to break. We agreed to a week of overseas procedures and hot stones. Everything was pleasant, but looking ahead, I’ll say that those procedures were not medical, my back both ached and still hurts. And the fact that the same sores were found in the rest of our friends, as if by selection, made us laugh to the point of colic, and after all, everyone fell for the “doctors” divorces!
We also went to zhoping, but how can you save yourself from this duty. Next to them is the Grand Bazaar.
The merchants are all smiling, luring them into their tents with hot and cold drinks, well, how not to buy something. But the prices are skyrocketing. You have to keep your ears open here. And knock down the price at least twice. And if the merchant does not give in to you, then you tell him - they say you will bully - you will get ears from a dead donkey, and not a profit, they say we will buy everything from your neighbor, then they become more accommodating.
Ride a couple of times and in a big city - Alanya is called. From the castle the bus runs in the morning 7 rubles a ticket in both directions costs. But you can get on the checkpoints - the price is about the same. To go about forty minutes, you can endure, tea is not on a horse in the heat then. And there, apparently, there are no merchants, and there’s just nothing ...Our wives came off on purchases, and they bought us something.
I want to give you useful advice, if the toad is strangling you to pay for the return journey, you will tell in any leather shop that they say we want to buy an overseas fur coat for ourselves home, so the merchants will immediately fuss and provide you with a tarantass, which will first take you to the largest clothing store in the city, and then, even if you don’t buy anything, they will take you completely for free to your castle. Which we have used a couple of times.
But back to our holiday.
We didn’t go on excursions much, tea was not the first in Turland, but we rafted along the river of theirs. Guys, I highly recommend! A full-day excursion costs 50 US rubles for an adult husband, half for a child under 12 years old, and free of charge for a child under 7 years old.
It's an hour and a half drive to the place of rafting.
After that, you change into unsinkable clothes, put on yellow helmets on your head, they show you how to swing the oar, and how not to, and I offer you a choice of a ten-seater boat, or if you have a kamikadz blood, then a two-seater one - a kayak is called. I won’t tell you everything, then it won’t be interesting for you to know, but I’ll advise you one useful lady. Take a bottle of water with you. Although the natives do not allow her to be taken, you see, they have one trick. While you are rafting along the river, flying through the erratic rapids, swinging the oar and spraying the German adversaries with mountain water - the thirst simply breaks you. Of course, you can drink from the river if you feel like it. But in the parking lot, all drinks are paid. And still no water. And yes, the prices are outrageous. A bottle of cola 300 grams - 3 bucks, a bottle of beer half a liter - 5 bucks.
You don’t need to take money with you, everything is given to you on record, but at the finish line, please pay off the mortgage in full. My daughter and I drank 800 rubles so much, I would have poured a full bathroom in my homeland. And then on the way back to drink hunting, and the merchants are cunning - again they say, pay. But it was not a pity for colorful photos for 5 bucks, and we bought a film from them for 4 families in a pool - one disc costs 45 bucks.
In the evenings in the castle, you can see if they entertain animation. When the artists are visitors, you can watch isho, and when they entertain themselves, then God forgive all their jokes “below the waist”, shame, so only in remote villages isho can make someone laugh. But birthdays are honored, gifts are given, fireworks are fired - here is a blunder. And in the rooms of birthday people they carry overseas wine with khrukta, tables in restaurants are set and publicly congratulated. But exactly seven days later, everything repeats again.
The rooms are cleaned daily, not always okay, but that's good. Bed linen is changed mysteriously. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays, at least in our building it was. We arrived on Monday evening, settled in the mansions and went to get acquainted with the local population. On Tuesday, after sea procedures, we went into the rooms and gasped. Linen is new. Swans and hearts in fresh flowers on the beds, even in the toilet the patterns are laid out with fresh flowers, for which it was not a pity to leave a tip. On Wednesday, the linen was changed again, although there were no patterns. And in the following days, tokma type of order in the rooms was induced, but sometimes towels and shampoos were changed, and then, if you ask the cleaning lady. But exactly a week later - all over again. Tuesday and Wednesday - like deja vu! Weird arrangements...
In the internet they wrote that their Wi-Fi is free, free, then it is free, but hefty shitty.
The pools are normal, but the water slides work at a strictly defined time.
There is a mini-bazaar, but the merchants there are hefty greedy, they practically do not drop in prices. We have our own chicken coop - in their language - a zoo, what is worth looking at there, so tokma for a peacock bird, and we have enough chickens, ducks, pheasants and rabbits.
And they give you two pieces of paper when you check in - a mini-bar is called a voucher, you run with them to the rose bar and exchange them for three bottles of carbonated chemistry and one with key water. Only twice you can change like this, but water in small bottles, there are a lot of freezers throughout the hotel, so you won’t die of thirst.
I had a chance to swim in the sea in marvelous glasses, that under the water everything is visible, and even wealth there at the bottom is not measured. They stuffed their pockets full of gold mint kids, overseas glasses like that - at the time to open their own spectacle store, even found a purse, there wasn’t much money in it, but the skin was very good.
It is not easy to get there, a commoner or a craftsman cannot get there forever, therefore, capital must be accumulated fairly. But since the woman was capricious, she began to hint from afar - they say I want flowers from overseas, scarlet, I had to tighten my belts and strain myself to work in the neighboring countrymen, and raise capital so that I could have a rest like everyone else.
And so, at the family council, the three of us decided to come to an agreement with native people, with overseas agencies, that they know the way to that land, to help us get to that kingdom, and so that it would not be so scary, and there was some kind of protection, they invited isho with three families of friends and colleagues to keep us company.
Like, we’ll have a royal rest, and maybe we’ll find some benefit in those lands, our wives call that benefit in their language - zhoping.
They took two suitcases of artefacts with them, and an American exchange fund, saddled the horses and set off on the road. Yes, I secretly stocked up with fire water from my wife, because in a foreign land I could not imagine myself without it.
How long is it short, but we got to their castle, which is called Justiniano Club Park Conti, 5 *. I did not notice the stars there, but we got chic mansions, even on the seventh floor and two-room ones. When settling in with their little people at the reception, they didn’t bully, they dispersed like a world, they respect us very much, we didn’t even have to sneak American bucks. Everything would have been fine, but the infernal machine, which they call a conder, did not want to work like a human during the day, because during the day it would bake the roof so much that there was nothing to breathe in the mansions, but at night they slept peacefully.
The next day, the servants of their god Pegasov gathered us for a meeting, and they began to describe to us how well they can entertain us - with various trips, and they won’t even take a ruble, only from our fund, they will accept American exchange money. And if one of the natives wants to offend us at once, they say they will call for their help and knock on the horns of the offenders. Their words are voluptuous, and when it came to the point with our friends, they didn’t have any benefit, they hid in holes, and there was only one answer to everything - write a complaint, and there ...things are still there! So hope for Pegasus, but don't make a mistake yourself. But I'm back to rest.
The kitchen in the castle is excellent, there are not enough pickles, but in everything else there was no shortage. Here you have both turkey and chicken, lamb sometimes appeared, all kinds of fish were in abundance, but apparently I was not the only one who was such a fan before the fish, so I constantly had to stand in lines to get it.
Vegetables from ours to overseas and you were full of fried and steamed and raw. Potatoes from mashed potatoes to boiled in their skins. So these overseas cooks mocked her so much - they stuffed all sorts of things into her that I didn’t even find the taste of potatoes. The women kept saying that the cuisine here was almost European, and that the Italian pasta was wrapped in such a way that there was a crackling behind the ears.
And in the bars they just don’t have anything to drink - there’s no kvass, there’s no good vodka, everything is overseas: - whisky, gin, their araka, it’s good for coughing, that vodka is weak, it can’t be compared to ours, wine is rubbish, sour, the beer is apparently non-alcoholic, no matter how much I drank, I never got tipsy. Yes, fanta, cola, and how his sprite for kids in bulk. You can live!
And for dessert, they have imported fruits - voluptuous peaches, various sorts of apricots, plums from a small cherry plum type to a huge fist-sized one.
Eat Lepisins at least like that, at least squeeze the juice from them, but the natives charge a lot of money for juice, as much as two whole bucks. Grapefruits, watermelons, lemons - just tasted from the belly. Well, an overseas delicacy - ice cream - of different colors and tastes, a feast for the eyes!
Yes isho in all the restaurants they had to visit. A la carte are called. Tokma to get into them is not given to everyone. First you need to sign up with the lady at the reception, the recording time is inconvenient from 4 to 6 in the afternoon, when it’s the day’s dream, but what can’t you do if the woman has eaten all your baldness. Yes, and those girls are not a miss, more than two restaurants do not give notes to one hand, more precisely to one room. So, are we not Russian? It’s a dumb little shop that was knocked down in childhood, but we have a minder that works! One family signed up for one restaurant, the second for another, the third for the third, etc. and they said that they would all come, so they did.
We visited fish, and Italian, Turkish and Chinese restaurants.
We liked it everywhere. Efficient boys run around, take orders, and where they are not very efficient, you wave an American denyuzhka and they will do everything for you in an instant. In some places live music plays, sometimes on the violin, sometimes on the guitar, singers perform, voices, of course, not Chaliapin's, but they will go with vodka or cognac.
Sea-Okiyan there is called the Mediterranean. The water is warm and turquoise. There was always enough room for reclining, which they call shchaslongs, and there are sunshades everywhere. True, they give beach towels on bail, when registering at the reception desk they take 10 bucks for each, but upon departure they gave everything back to the penny. On the beach, walkers and barkers of the natives constantly walk, tempt with overseas entertainment - a hammam, a banana, a catamaran, and how it is ...God forgive the parachute. Oh how wrapped up!
We went to the hammam, not the first one for us to bathe in their bathhouses. 35 rubles were given for each. But it's not a pity.
Tokma, here are the local healers, after the procedures they took us into a room and began to tell fortunes how many problems they found in our body, and the greyhounds convinced us that if we did not agree to their massages, then we might not get to the house. Like, my wife’s legs can’t stand it, and there’s so much salt accumulated under my shoulder blades and under my shoulder blades that you can pickle a barrel of herring, and the 5th and 6th vertebrae just hold on to your word of honor, they’re about to break. We agreed to a week of overseas procedures and hot stones. Everything was pleasant, but looking ahead, I’ll say that those procedures were not medical, my back both ached and still hurts. And the fact that the same sores were found in the rest of our friends, as if by selection, made us laugh to the point of colic, and after all, everyone fell for the “doctors” divorces!
We also went to zhoping, but how can you save yourself from this duty. Next to them is the Grand Bazaar.
The merchants are all smiling, luring them into their tents with hot and cold drinks, well, how not to buy something. But the prices are skyrocketing. You have to keep your ears open here. And knock down the price at least twice. And if the merchant does not give in to you, then you tell him - they say you will bully - you will get ears from a dead donkey, and not a profit, they say we will buy everything from your neighbor, then they become more accommodating.
Ride a couple of times and in a big city - Alanya is called. From the castle the bus runs in the morning 7 rubles a ticket in both directions costs. But you can get on the checkpoints - the price is about the same. To go about forty minutes, you can endure, tea is not on a horse in the heat then. And there, apparently, there are no merchants, and there’s just nothing ...Our wives came off on purchases, and they bought us something.
I want to give you useful advice, if the toad is strangling you to pay for the return journey, you will tell in any leather shop that they say we want to buy an overseas fur coat for ourselves home, so the merchants will immediately fuss and provide you with a tarantass, which will first take you to the largest clothing store in the city, and then, even if you don’t buy anything, they will take you completely for free to your castle. Which we have used a couple of times.
But back to our holiday.
We didn’t go on excursions much, tea was not the first in Turland, but we rafted along the river of theirs. Guys, I highly recommend! A full-day excursion costs 50 US rubles for an adult husband, half for a child under 12 years old, and free of charge for a child under 7 years old.
It's an hour and a half drive to the place of rafting.
After that, you change into unsinkable clothes, put on yellow helmets on your head, they show you how to swing the oar, and how not to, and I offer you a choice of a ten-seater boat, or if you have a kamikadz blood, then a two-seater one - a kayak is called. I won’t tell you everything, then it won’t be interesting for you to know, but I’ll advise you one useful lady. Take a bottle of water with you. Although the natives do not allow her to be taken, you see, they have one trick. While you are rafting along the river, flying through the erratic rapids, swinging the oar and spraying the German adversaries with mountain water - the thirst simply breaks you. Of course, you can drink from the river if you feel like it. But in the parking lot, all drinks are paid. And still no water. And yes, the prices are outrageous. A bottle of cola 300 grams - 3 bucks, a bottle of beer half a liter - 5 bucks.
You don’t need to take money with you, everything is given to you on record, but at the finish line, please pay off the mortgage in full. My daughter and I drank 800 rubles so much, I would have poured a full bathroom in my homeland. And then on the way back to drink hunting, and the merchants are cunning - again they say, pay. But it was not a pity for colorful photos for 5 bucks, and we bought a film from them for 4 families in a pool - one disc costs 45 bucks.
In the evenings in the castle, you can see if they entertain animation. When the artists are visitors, you can watch isho, and when they entertain themselves, then God forgive all their jokes “below the waist”, shame, so only in remote villages isho can make someone laugh. But birthdays are honored, gifts are given, fireworks are fired - here is a blunder. And in the rooms of birthday people they carry overseas wine with khrukta, tables in restaurants are set and publicly congratulated. But exactly seven days later, everything repeats again.
The rooms are cleaned daily, not always okay, but that's good. Bed linen is changed mysteriously. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays, at least in our building it was. We arrived on Monday evening, settled in the mansions and went to get acquainted with the local population. On Tuesday, after sea procedures, we went into the rooms and gasped. Linen is new. Swans and hearts in fresh flowers on the beds, even in the toilet the patterns are laid out with fresh flowers, for which it was not a pity to leave a tip. On Wednesday, the linen was changed again, although there were no patterns. And in the following days, tokma type of order in the rooms was induced, but sometimes towels and shampoos were changed, and then, if you ask the cleaning lady. But exactly a week later - all over again. Tuesday and Wednesday - like deja vu! Weird arrangements...
In the internet they wrote that their Wi-Fi is free, free, then it is free, but hefty shitty.
The pools are normal, but the water slides work at a strictly defined time.
There is a mini-bazaar, but the merchants there are hefty greedy, they practically do not drop in prices. We have our own chicken coop - in their language - a zoo, what is worth looking at there, so tokma for a peacock bird, and we have enough chickens, ducks, pheasants and rabbits.
And they give you two pieces of paper when you check in - a mini-bar is called a voucher, you run with them to the rose bar and exchange them for three bottles of carbonated chemistry and one with key water. Only twice you can change like this, but water in small bottles, there are a lot of freezers throughout the hotel, so you won’t die of thirst.
I had a chance to swim in the sea in marvelous glasses, that under the water everything is visible, and even wealth there at the bottom is not measured. They stuffed their pockets full of gold mint kids, overseas glasses like that - at the time to open their own spectacle store, even found a purse, there wasn’t much money in it, but the skin was very good.
Translated automatically from Russian. View original
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