It was getting dark. Thai impressions.
It was getting dark. . . What? Stamp? Well, yes, a stamp. You need to start somehow, but nothing else comes to mind.
In short, it was getting dark. In the kitchen, meanwhile, fierce disputes did not subside where to go on vacation in the summer. The Turkey-Egypt options were immediately dismissed by both sides as having exhausted themselves. With the Emirates and other Arab countries, the topic is also fully disclosed. Tired of the Arabs. Bored with them.
Remains... Yes, the whole world still remains! And the whole world is both wholesale and, even by the piece, expensive. So we are considering budget options, well, there, Goa or Sri Lanka or China. They haven't grown up to China yet. Too big a topic... There is also Thailand. Oh right, Thailand! You won't get bored there. We've heard! On WalkingStreet alone, such fun reigns that I will give them! In addition, people say that tourism has been there for a long time, and every under-fence Thai is able to communicate in English. And I graduated from school and in the language of it, with a dictionary, a sentence - I can make another one.
Since we have already decided on the direction, now it is important not to make a mistake and cover as many Thai impressions as possible in one sitting. Well, this is me, in order not to sit in one place, in Pattaya, for example, but to travel around the islands, and generally see more.
Hey, you travel agents, how is it cheaper to buy plane tickets and fly under your own power, or buy the cheapest tour from you? “Yes, anything can happen, ” says an interested travel agent. Yes, at least, here's a super offer for you: a few days of Pattaya, a few more Elephant Island and a few more - the capital of the Thai kingdom. For everything about everything - mere pennies. Normul? Normul! Booking!
The Internet has been studied, youtube has been viewed, reviews have been collected. We are ready. Almost... It remains to pack the suitcases. And this is not an easy thing to do when you are with your wife. Man, what do you need? A razor, a T-shirt, shorts, swimming trunks and rubber slippers to put on socks. You can travel with a small backpack. But a woman, you know, is an unpredictable creature. But when he has been married for 30 years, there are almost no secrets left. I know, the suitcases will fill the top rice. But forewarned is forearmed. Therefore, I show recommendations and comments of experienced people in advance. And they unanimously repeat that nothing more elegant than shorts is needed. Minimum items! ! Only transvestites go there in dresses and high heels. They shouldn't have said it!
- I should be worse! ? They are all so beautiful, showing off, and I'm a slut next to them? Do not be this! Well, we take the bare minimum: three cocktail dresses and two pairs of stilettos.
As a result, this minimum resulted in a huge suitcase (I fit in there) and a decent bag in hand luggage.
- Have mercy! I’m not young (just don’t tell secrets about this), how am I going to carry such burdens for you? We're not in the same hotel all the time. Do you want my death? Download half! Of course, he was sent, but it was worth trying. . .
It must be emphasized that I am a very married person, one might say deeply family, . Throughout my life together, I have not cheated on my wife... I am afraid of women, I am shy. And if I had dared, then I would not have done well: the missus would have castrated in a sophisticated form and left. And where do I then castrated? No, it's better that way.
Knowledgeable people talked about where, they say, you are in the capital of debauchery, but with your samovar... , well, this is a laugh for transvestites. Well, I started to shower the missus in advance, without much, however, hope for success: - Come on, they say, you will let me go for a body massage or to whores, or some other debauchery, and then I will tell you how it was... Understanding, of course did not reach. The maximum grit you can count on is in the photo with a transvestite. And why the hell do I need a photo with an Adam's apple man in a dress? If someone else sees, then it will be a shame!
While we thus prioritized, planned excursions and painted our gray chests, it was, however, time to set off. And the path is not close: first, get to Kyiv, and after 11 hours fly to the Thai kingdom. But we, the people of experience, you will not get through with this, we know the right means. We stocked up on DutyFree with booze and, in a drunken stupor, did not notice how we flew.
My wife and I are intelligent people, but without the gloss of the capital, show-offs are not customary to beat, but we have some kind of understanding. This is me to the fact that not quite fools. At the Thai airport, they quickly figured out what was happening, well, where to change money, where to put a visa... And everything would be fine, but they ran into the peculiarities of the local mentality, a red line, which the principle “do not rush” passes. In fact, it looks like this: work for a minute - rest for five. A Thai border guard is sitting in the window, putting a visa. In front of him is a line, dug for fifty. He will let one go - a break, on the phone, to drive balls. He drove - he takes on the second, and all this without haste, without fuss. At the very least, our turn has come. He took his passport, pointed his finger behind his back: “Kva”.
- What's "Qua"?
-Qua!
Well, Kwa, so Kwa. Went in the indicated direction. And there, too, no one is in a hurry. They put a visa in one passport - they rest, they come to their senses for five minutes, and again they go to work. While we were moving so slowly from queue to queue, it was getting dark (it must have been “dark again”). In a word, time has passed fairly. So much so that our luggage (the same suitcase, as tall as me) was removed from the tape, dropped on the floor, and they began to issue Shanghai luggage.
But, with God's help, all obstacles were overcome, the guide was found, they were escorted to the transfer bus and, with flower garlands around their necks, they were successfully delivered to the Pattaya hotel with honors. Phew, what a complex sentence came out... I will be proud of it. But that's later, but for now I'll tell you more.
Back at home, our first day was carefully planned. The plan is this: the first thing to do in the South China Sea is to swim. Made! Then taste the famous Thai soup Tom-yang. Also done! And not just done, but under vodka, carefully taken with you, with feeling, framed! It went well, mind you! Further, according to our plan for today, the nest of debauchery is WalkingStreet. Well, where is the tuk-tuk to WalkingStreet? Move, narrow-eyed!
This is life! Crowds of people, whores with pimps scurry about, music rumbles, magicians, barkers, exotic zhrachka at every step.
- Darling, come on, I'll talk to the sluts, and you'll take a picture of me with them. .
-Okay, it's possible, - he says, - I allow it.
Barkers roll up every minute, temptingly offering Go-Go bars and Ping-Pong shows. Beloved drags: -Let's go. No, I say, not today, today we are well drunk, but here we need to be sober in order to properly consider. Let's do it tomorrow. And now let's take those pancakes over there, they are probably tasty, and we'll catch up (fortunately, booze with us).
In the meantime, we are grabbed by the hands of Russian chicks and dragged in bad English to an institution under the sign "Crasy Russian Girls".
- Yes, you do not worry, speak Russian!
-Yeah, come with us, it's a free show, just pay for the drinks, if you don't like it, then leave.
- No, girls, we didn’t go to Asia to look at the Slavs. Look, the Chinese are walking in droves, drag them.
And life, meanwhile, seethes. Do not crowd on the street. And all this multilingual crowd is smiling, waving their hands, clapping on the shoulder, "How are you" - asks, "Fuck that girl, she's awesome" - recommends... +∞ . He walks like this, barely dragging his legs, or in general, he rides in a wheelchair with an electric drive, and by the hand he leads a pretty secret, about 14-16 years old. He’s not her grandfather, she’s good for her great-grandfather, but there, the fucking ladies’ man. But I don’t blame him and don’t envy him, if anything, and so, I’ll consider it with interest. And the thief, though young, knows the business, bitch, she doesn’t immediately go to the hotel, but strives, first, to drag the grandfather through all the cereal establishments, she must get a kickback. Well, that's right, well done! And the old man is also well done! Others in his years sit on the stove and suffer from prostatitis, but this gray-haired forelock is painted with red paint, Viagra grunted and into battle!
Okay, we're tired for today. Many impressions in one day. We went to the hotel, but tomorrow we will return with renewed vigor.
Well, the notion that Thailand is a popular tourist country and that every under-fence Thai is able to communicate in English is a strong exaggeration. Even here, English is more popular than there. If in our country +/- 5% of the population are able to mumble at least something, then it doesn’t even reach 1% (the data are given according to the version... , in my version, in short). Communication is exclusively by signs and exclamations.
The wrong people called Zadornov stupid. Thais are dumb, lazy and utterly incapable of languages other than related Asian ones. But they are smiling and indifferent.
Why not smile and show off? Warm clothes are not needed. Even a Thai woman does not ask for a fur coat. What for? As he was born, he put on shorts, so he went through them until his death.
Heating is also unnecessary. And hot water. Here all the water is warm, if not from the refrigerator.
Numerous fruits ripen the whole year, that is, on any day, on any tree, something hangs. In the rivers, drop a crumb of bread, look like fish come running, take it out with your hands! Such a fish, if you crack a Thai in the face, so hoard at once! In short, they don’t fall into hungry swoons here. Not accepted.
Therefore, the main occupation of most Thais is to take a nap in the shade. This afternoon nap is their national pastime. They selflessly surrender to her. Siesta, damn it. If you want to buy something in a shop or a fruit shop - if you please, wake up the seller first. There he is, lying on a cot. Ferry sailors, between boarding and disembarking, also sweetly snore on the benches for passengers. I hope, at least, the captain is on duty...
But in general, the people are very nice, smiling, friendly, they want to help, but they can’t, due to their linguistic backwardness.
But this is, so, a lyrical digression. And, meanwhile, another day ends and it is necessary to join the main debauchery, which was rejected yesterday, due to too much alcohol. They took vodka, of course, but did not drink it. Till.
Chu, what is it, why is there no silence and Babylonian pandemonium? Maybe we weren't here yesterday and got drunk drunk? No, that's all, only there are no people and almost all institutions are closed.
It is useless to ask Thais. There's some Hindu or Pakistani swarming around. Hey Harya Krishna, come here! - What the hell is going on? Report!
- They have elections here, yourskabrod, sir, therefore, entertainment establishments are not ordered to work, sir.
- Here's your grandmother and horseradish across the throat! And we have pinned down... When will they vote, eh, Brahmaputra?
- Do not be so angry, your grace, I know from experience, before, how, in 3-4 days it will not settle down. Only, if you need any kind of whoring, sir, then I will organize it in an instant.
- No, dear, this, which you just said, my wife does not order me, over there, standing on the sidelines, looking after me so that I don’t mess up.
- Darling, come here, talk with a friend, and in the meantime I'll go over to those lads, take a picture of me.
Near the hotel that rents rooms for an hour or two, heifers stand. Pieces 7-8. Offer themselves, therefore. All such small cockroaches, as tall as a broom, and the weight is the same, but one is nothing... According to yesterday's scheme, I drive up and start a conversation in the language of the Thai deaf and mute:
-How are you?
- Nothing, but what?
-Something you, princess, are painfully good, lady-boy, or what?
-What do you think?
-Do you charge a lot for the service?
-Not more expensive than others - 500 baht. Yes, you try, I'm sweet. I'm better than all of them!
-You can try it, and being sure that my wife is filming me, grab her (him) by the boob. To be sure, that is. And how she will jump, how she will squeal! It's like she's an honest girl, and I fix obscenities. . .
What are you yelling at, you fool! ? - this is already in Russian, from surprise. - Darling, why is she yelling, she will scare away the last customers, and in general, did you take a picture of everything?
-No, I got into a conversation with an Indian. . . Why is this one squealing like you groped her?
-Yes, fuck her, fool, she'll figure it out, well, yes, she groped, but you didn't take a picture! What frame is missing! Now you won't do it again.
-Look, they sell cockroaches, let's go try it, we have wanted it for a long time.
A dozen meters further, a Thai in a medical mask on his face, sells fried scorpions, toads and other evil spirits.
-Make us a mix of a little bit of everything. And come on scorpions! What, are they by the piece, 50 baht each? Well, let's go one by one. Well, yes, only two are obtained, mathematician, ept.
They took everyone... There are cockroaches, large and small, and locusts, and some kind of larvae, like our maggots, only more. All this in coconut oil, crispy, in front of you, fried. Real jam! It tastes acceptable if you tune in before eating that these are not cockroaches at all, but some kind of chips. Frogs and scorpions are rubbish, and larvae, locusts and cockroaches have a right to exist. Only one minus: then, until night, pick out their paws from their teeth. And hearty-ee! And in order to finish all this delicacy, they got vodka (after all, it should always be with you).
Well, as if the evening did not disappear. But, here, only one thing upsets: tomorrow is the last day in Pattaya, and on the skeleton of such a show as we missed because of the elections, no. Oh, I had to go yesterday...
And on the island, indeed, the nature is virgin and silence. Only at night in some restaurants there is music. True, a lot of Ladybars. Thai heifers are sitting, beckoning. "Comeon" - they say.
“What are you doing here? ” I ask.
- Well, men come to us, here, we pour them a drink, entertain them in every possible way, for example, we play billiards. - At the same time, she takes a cue and in a short skirt, bending over, leans on the table, bitch. Cool. That is, ugh, shame!
The island, although 30 years already under tourists, is largely wild. Only along the perimeter (coast) there is a road, next to it is civilization. And a little deeper, so there is a jungle, hippo crocodiles and other living creatures. Civilization protected itself from this living creatures with ultrasonic squeakers. It is believed that ultrasound prevents the invasion of animals in the world of idle tourists. But the animals don't know about it. Therefore, the monkeys jump wherever they want, the cobras after 16.00 gather for a party, at the Klong Plu waterfall (tourists by that time are out of there), the tigers, however, do not leave the jungle, but they do not order to go to their place either. And lizards, in general, are pets: they sit on the ceilings in hotels, restaurants, they are not afraid of anyone.
In general, an island is not a mainland. Life is measured, calm, know yourself to swim and consume local delicacies, well, there, all sorts of Khao Soi or Son Tam, in a word, fat.
There is little entertainment. You can, for example, ride elephants, feed monkeys, taste local fruits... And in the evening, either in a half-empty restaurant or feed on the tops. Makashnitsa is a mobile catering unit. A sort of steel box with a gas stove and a barbecue, on which all sorts of local delicacies are prepared. She, this box, is attached to a moped and transported Thai folk food to crowded places. Not only locals, but also tourists, prefer this particular, top-down food, it is tasty, inexpensive and safe, in the gastrointestinal sense.
In Ladybars, my way is ordered. Well, I can’t help but stare at the girls, and for this you’ll immediately get hit in the muzzle from your beloved. So it turns out that in the evening there is nowhere to turn around on the island. Although, there are so many massage parlors.
- Come on, honey, let's check out a Thai massage. In our city, an Uzbek, squinting like a Thai, in such a salon, the price is twice as expensive. And here, to visit the homeland of the most famous massage, and not taste from the original source! It's somehow not even decent.
- No, - the only one says, - I don’t like this, but you go, let them beat your withers there. Although, no, wait, first I’ll go and check, maybe there, under the guise of a harmless massage, all sorts of indecency is being repaired, and someone else’s husband is striving for the slippery path of sin, pushing.
Went down to make sure. - You can go, checked, no mines.
It sucks, of course, that "there are no mines. " I, secretly, hoped that beautiful secret women would pester in every possible way, offer debauchery, and I would angrily reject their claims. I’ll wave a ring in front of my nose, they say, back off, sinners, an honest husband is too tough for you!
What the fuck are beautiful Thai girls? ! There is a hefty woman, looking like a man, probably the champion of the Pan-Asian games in shot put, and terrible as a mortal sin.
- Undress - in your gibberish, he says. - And take off the bottom too! And he smiles wickedly at the same time.
Well, I think the missus was checking for mines. I overlooked. Right now, this champion, disqualified for the use of doping, will twist me into a ram's horn and rape me. Well, a little man, maybe I’m pot-bellied, but I’m not big in sprout, and I’m not friendly with sports either. I won't be able to fight back. Well, I'll scream and bite. This will not stop Babishka, but at least I will sell my innocence more dearly.
Only, it was, her mouth opened, and she gave me, cracking, a hook on the right, so my mouth and eyes closed for a long time.
Well, I lied, for the red word, she didn’t give me a hook on the right, but gave me pajamas and ordered me to dress. It turns out that signature Thai massage is done through clothing.
I really didn't think well of her. Auntie knows the business, and the muscles to help her. After all, in order to stir the senile rusted joints, strength is required, and a fragile secret cannot cope with this.
Classic Thai massage starts from the tips of the toes. Slowly rising, it stops at the groin, but does not go further, it is taken for the second leg. Then the same with the hands. After that, the massage therapist takes the body and neck.
Thus, it feeds my worn-out organism with the life-giving energy qiu, well, or whatever it is...
And then, with all her considerable mass, this aunt, leans on her feet and, well, part in different directions. I’m in a normal state, my legs are wider than shoulders, neither forward nor to the side, they don’t get divorced, and the champion has twisted them so that it would be more merciful to put me on a twine. I bravely didn't make a sound. He did not utter his mouth, but the bones and joints cracked like branches in a logging site. On the other hand, I felt the beneficial power of jian energy, and they also offered to drink tea for free.
It turned out that the idea with Go-Go bars and Ping-Pong shows has not failed yet. One Russian downshifter assured that in Bangkok, with all this, the situation is no worse than in Pattaya. You, he says, ask the taxi driver the direction to Pat Pong Street, and there, revelry still reigns...
Didn't lie. There is such a street and sinful institutions and girls here in abundance. Girls, not the most difficult behavior.
Surrendered to be torn to pieces by the first Thai barker who came across. His face is criminal, all in scars. I, - he says, will take you to all the establishments where you like, and you will stay there. I show him on my fingers, they say, 300 baht from the snout, I won’t give it anymore, and one drink for free. OK, he says, let's agree. We went around two places, didn't like it. In the third, everything is run by an old aunt, probably a former prostitute. She seated us in the very front row of tables, gave us one free beer each, and gave my wife and I each a pig-pong racket.
The girls, she explains, will shoot balls, and you beat them off. I hung out my drool, put on my glasses, so that I could see everything properly, and began to get a perverse pleasure from watching.
And the show, meanwhile, goes on non-stop. One number ends, immediately another begins, after +/- 30 minutes the numbers end and everything goes in the second circle.
At the next number, a performer of the high genre of extracting dangerous objects called me to the stage. She probably noticed my protruding tongue and saliva dripping from it. Gives the end of the rope, hanging from its causal place, and orders to pull.
I overcome trembling and excitement, I grab with both hands and meter by meter I extract the entire rope into the light of day. And to it, every 10 cm, a five-nail is tied. No one in the hall sees this - far away - and the audience thinks that I am pulling out a simple rope in jerks... I pulled it out, caught my breath, twisted the rope over my head, and returned it to the girl. On trembling legs, he reached his table and collapsed into a chair, exhausted. He immediately received his hands from his wife:
- Where are you grabbing beer with these hands! ? What, I didn’t see where this rope came from? March to wash your hands!
