Egyptian monologues
Hi, friend!
My name is Rami and I am very happy to welcome you to my shop! Aaah, don't go, brother, I have everything for free. No, no, well, not completely free, but the price is better than anywhere else! Who is good for? For you, of course, I will sell you beautiful things at the price of a pharaoh. No, not because only the pharaoh can have such a sum, but in the sense that such a courageous man (well, the spitting image of Tutankhamun, may Allah bless you) wants to give it cheaper.
Look, what a beautiful shisha! Well, hookah, in your opinion. Everyone around sells bad ones, deceives tourists, and I sell real hookahs at a low price. Look - you see the photo on the wall, it's my uncle! He has his own hookah workshop in Cairo, just look at his face - can't you see that he can't do bad things! Can not see? ! ? Probably just a bad photo...
Look at this big hookah, it's a special casting!
Why special? Uh-uh, this is made specifically to improve the taste! I don’t know how it works, I’m a seller, not a master! ! ! You will come to your home, smoke a hookah and remember your best friend Rami more than once. I don't know what words, but you remember exactly. What is the price? Ahh, just free, it costs everything...everything...and how much do you give for this masterpiece of my uncle? Why “say the price yourself”, I don’t want to ask too much from you, I’ll tell an ordinary tourist a big price, but I can’t, because I’m your friend! Well, how about you, then I will give you a shish for a miserable two hundred pounds, and you don’t need to thank me for my generosity! Where! Wait, are you offended? ! ? Where are you going? It is expensive? Let the jackals bite me, but I practically give it to myself at a loss! Everything, I forgive you for your greed, how much do you give? Forty pounds?! ? ! ? English? Egyptian?! ? ! ? Maybe you mean this little hookah?
Yes, I don't want to hear about selling a big hookah for less than a hundred and fifty pounds, because it comes with this beautiful bag, look at its quality! Hmm, torn ...Here is another, new one! What stain? Ah, that's...Here's another one, banked for this occasion. It's not dust, it's sprinkled with a special powder to preserve the metal, although no, it's still dust ...Here, I wiped everything, you can take the shish for a hundred and twenty pounds! Well, for a hundred ...I can’t give it away for fifty, eighty, and just don’t tell anyone that I practically gave it to you ...Seventy ...sixty-five ...sixty! ! ! Sixty pounds for a hookah and I'll give you two packs of real tobacco! ...yes, and a bag. But you have to buy something else from me!
Here is a figurine of Nefertitti! Look at her pretty titties! Not funny?
And another Russian said that it was funny ...True, he could hardly stand on his feet, he could hardly speak and laugh from absolutely everything ...I sold him three more bottles of real oil, quite inexpensively. I bought myself a new phone the next day, so I remember it so much ...
But papyrus is not necessary? Real, from the factory, not some kind of fake! Each papyrus is packed in a strong cellophane bag, it is very convenient for transportation! What are you saying? Should a real papyrus be stamped? So here, too, there is a seal, or rather it will be now ...Here, you see, already with a seal! This is a very old papyrus, it is many years old, I kept it as a family heirloom, but my son is sick, so I have to sell it. I don’t want to talk about it, don’t tear my heart, oh, my poor boy, how I will miss you ...No, no, the disease is curable, that’s why I need money, a lot of money! Why are you sick of him? ? !
Ahh, you're a doctor...It's bad...I say it's good that you're a doctor, so you'll understand me! Well, his illness is called, uh...well, he's finishing his course of treatment, and the doctors say there's hope. Allah will have mercy on him, back to the goods. Better look at this papyrus, see how the colors shimmer! ! ! What printing, it's hand-painted! Well, I mean, it's hand-painted with a printed method, using machine-made deep fixation techniques. You do not understand me? Well, this is understandable, a non-specialist cannot understand this! Yes, it was the first factory in ancient Egypt. At least there is such a legend… Ten dollars. Expensive? I meant ten dollars for three pieces! Why not"! And three more little papyri...and two, no three bookmarks...and this scarab beetle...with a box...For a miserable seven dollars. . six ...five dollars last price, okay, take it for four ...The bag is a present from me!
Where are you looking?
No, you didn't just watch! Where, where, ah-ah-ah, on T-shirts. No, wait, it's Egyptian cotton! No, not China, how dare you think that I have pathetic Chinese crafts in my store? Do the souvenirs say "Made in China"? On what? Indeed, it is written that way… This Egyptian government has built a factory in China, where Egyptians work and make souvenirs for our great country! Therefore, it is written - production "China" ...
Try on the T-shirt, it's your size! How is sitting on you, just a pharaoh! Yes, I know that there were no T-shirts in the time of the pharaohs, but if they were, they would definitely wear them! Today's promotion - buy two T-shirts, the third one for free! There are forty in this row, fifty in this row ...as for a friend, forty-five each! Where did you buy cheaper? In a nearby store? That fat Ahmed? Ah, this son of a jackal and a lame donkey must have deceived you! Come on, show me your T-shirt… cheap stuff! Look, do you see a blue label on him? Should be yellow
! Because the yellow label is a sign of Egyptian quality, and the blue one is for gullible tourists...oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, it just hurts my heart when I see dishonest traders! No need to swear at him, it won't do anything anyway! And even more so, you don’t need to repeat to him those words that I told you in a big secret, because I told the truth to my best friend in a friendly way, and this crook will spit in your eyes and still won’t return the money!
I'm not a Muslim, I'm a Christian - you see, I have a blue cross tattooed on my wrist, which means that we are of the same faith! Which Allah? Oh, you mean that I always remember Allah? And there is only one God, that Allah, that this one is yours ...what’s his name ...Jesus! Yes, yes, Jesus, I know...
Buy real organic cotton T-shirts from me! Here with a camel. . if you don't want to...with a shark...ah, I understand, such a sexy man needs a T-shirt with the inscription "Red Sea"!
If a girl in such a T-shirt sees you, she will immediately understand that she is a real macho! After all, a red T-shirt with such an inscription cannot but turn on girls! ! ! You are married? How many wives? Only one? My wife will like it, believe Rami, because I'm your friend! Two T-shirts for ninety pounds, and a third free! Third free! ! ! Why do you think? Buy now while the promotion is on! No, there will be no action tomorrow, only today! You don't have money with you, and can you come tomorrow? I think the action will be tomorrow, but only for you! Would you like to visit with friends? And for them too! Your friends are my friends...
Fruit shop.
Hi bro! Come on, come on, choose! All fresh, brought from Cairo today! Mandarin ten, banana eight. No, these are small tangerines of ten, large of twelve ...okay, all ten. It won't be cheaper. Where! Hey hey, Russian, don't go! If you take more, I'll give you eight! How many do you need? Two kilos? Here, there are two kilos in a bag! Weigh?
You do not believe me? Take me Anubis if I deceive you! ! ! Still want to weigh in? Yes, the whole street knows that Tarik never cheats! Ahhh, just arrived yesterday, and you still don’t know anyone ...So, I haven’t managed to spend all the money yet ...I say that it’s good that you met me, I’ll tell you where the right shops with low prices are. No need to thank me - you are a guest of Egypt, I will be your guide in Hurghada! Yes, yes, for you, I will leave the shop and help you skimp! Why don't you want to? From the bottom of my heart I want to help the Russian, I don't need money! Not? Well, as you know, resentment at your ingratitude will tear my honest heart to pieces for a long time ...
Bananas for ten ...but, for sure, for eight, I just immediately gave you a big discount, as for a Russian, and now I have named the usual price. You're Ukrainian? Eight anyway, I love Ukraine much more than Russia! ! ! Do you have a Russian wife?
Uh-uh ...in short, take seven, for the sake of such a family I make a grand discount! ! !
Try this. Do you know what this is? No, these are not seeds, this is physalis, but do you know its secret? How many children do you have? Two? Just? And I have six! ! ! I’ll tell you like a man to a man, if you eat physalis, you will have great male power! What do you mean it's not necessary? You will also have many children! How is the wife going to kill? Do you have a wife in the family? Ay-yai-yai, you're a man! And who is she ...who is ...the chief accountant in the bank? Even the board of directors is afraid of her? Hmm, probably don’t take physalis, the gods give life only once ...
Take better ashta! This is such a fruit. As one Russian said, it looks like a pine nut with yogurt in the middle. What helps? What hurts you? Can not be! ! ! After all, this fruit treats heart disease! How lucky you are to be able to buy this natural remedy from me! Three pounds...No, not a kilogram, thing!
This is a very expensive fruit, I already gave you a big discount, because you really need it! Wait, wait...why should I run after you, which of us needs this fruit, you or me! ! ! There will be two pounds for you ...three pieces for five - last price! Deal? Inshallah! Here, take ten pieces, get treated ...
Are you going to take faraula? It's called a strawberry in your awful language! Yes, yes, smell how it smells! What does it smell like to you, gasoline? Probably stood near the canister ...Where is the rotten one? No, it's overripe and very tasty! Nah, try it! No, I don’t want to try it myself… I won’t say… even if you buy it, I won’t eat it! Okay, it's rotten on this side, but on the other hand, it's as good as new! I mean fresh… No, I won’t let you take it away, I’ll put it myself. Okay, take it yourself, but then buy it at eight pounds per kilogram...seven...no, I'll take six pounds myself...okay, take six pounds yourself, may Allah forgive you your stinginess and greed!
Yes, I don’t have scales, I told you! I weigh it in my hand, I'm never wrong! Why do you need a scale? ? ! Okay, I’ll go, I’ll bring it ...Look, I took the scales from Mahmud, especially for the sake of a dear guest from a beautiful city ...where did you come from ...yes, from the beautiful city of Kyiv. You see, on this scale I put a bag of strawberries, and on the other side I put this stone ...the stone weighs exactly two kilograms ...I myself checked its weight ...two years ago ...and what is a WEIGHT? No, I don’t have a GIRI, what’s wrong with a stone? Do you want to weigh a stone? ! ? Inshallah, why, my dear? Believe Tariq, if you go to the store to weigh the stone, the whole street will think that I wanted to deceive you, and I am horrified at such a thought - it's just a shame for my family! ! ! Thank you, brother, for your trust, you are my best friend, take strawberries, there are exactly two kilograms ...
Bye brother, and don't forget to give me a good publicity in the hotel, because I tried so hard to help you .. .
